The Christmas Wing

Our tree leans slightly to the left.

We've decided this is a design decision.

Why did the elf get a job in customer service?

He's excellent at handling small complaints.

I asked the reindeer how the training was going.

He said he was pulling his weight.

The gingerbread man moved into a new house.

He says the walls are a little too tempting.

Why did the tinsel take a day off?

It was feeling stretched.

Our Christmas lights work perfectly in the box.

They achieve total failure within nine seconds of the tree.

The snowman applied for a mortgage.

The bank asked about his long-term outlook.

Why did the stocking hang by the fire?

It had nothing better lined up.

My wrapping paper ran out with one present left.

That child now receives everything in newspaper, by tradition.

The carolers arrived during dinner.

We joined in so we wouldn't have to admit we were eating.

Why did the sleigh need a tune-up?

Too much mileage over a single night.

Our Advent calendar was opened entirely on December second.

The investigation continues.

The chimney sweep quit in December.

He said the season was getting on top of him.

Why did the candy cane join the orchestra?

It had the right hook.

My father tests the lights one bulb at a time.

This is now a two-day event with its own snacks.

The nutcracker went to the dentist.

Purely professional curiosity.

Why did the ornament feel insecure?

It was hanging by a thread.

Our turkey and our tree arrived on the same day.

Only one of them is still standing.

The elf asked for a standing desk.

He was told the whole workshop is one.

Why did the snow globe get so emotional?

Somebody shook it up right before the holidays.

My brother wraps presents with an entire roll of tape.

Opening one requires paperwork and a professional.

The reindeer formed a committee.

Progress has slowed considerably.

Why did the fruitcake skip the party?

It couldn't face another crowd.

Our tree stand has never once been level.

We compensate with a phone book from 1996.

The gift receipt is the most romantic thing in the box.

It says I love you and I respect your judgment.

Why did the glass ornament get promoted?

Management liked its reflective practice.

My mother labels every present in code.

Only she holds the key, and she's lost it.

The workshop went paperless this year.

The list is now a spreadsheet nobody can sort.

Why was the fireplace put in charge of Christmas?

Somebody had to take up the mantel.

Our neighbor's display can be seen from orbit.

He describes it as tasteful.

The sleigh bells were left on all night.

The horse has requested a transfer.

Why did the pine tree refuse the job?

It didn't want to be tied down for the season.

My aunt starts her shopping in January.

By December she can't remember where any of it is.

The elf asked what happens after the twenty-fifth.

Nobody had the heart to explain inventory.

Why was the wrapping paper so confident?

It knew it would be torn apart and still be remembered.

Our cat has claimed the tree as a structure.

A building permit was neither sought nor granted.

The mistletoe filed a complaint about workplace conduct.

It was, on reflection, a reasonable point.

Why did the snowman refuse the promotion?

He didn't want the heat that comes with it.

My uncle reads the puns in our Christmas cards with total commitment.

This is the bravest thing I've ever witnessed.

The tree skirt is doing an enormous amount of work.

It's hiding a stand held together by hope.

Why did the gingerbread house need repairs?

The roof had a serious icing problem.

Our decorations came down on January sixth.

The tinsel is still in the carpet in August.

The reindeer wanted a scenic route this year.

Management pointed out the schedule.

Why did the elf take up carpentry?

It was the only way to get a decent shelf.

My family agreed to no presents this year.

Everyone broke the agreement, independently, in secret.

Santa's naughty list crashed this morning.

IT blamed it on a chimney full of bugs.

Why did Rudolph get a glowing performance review?

Everyone wanted to see his lead numbers shine.

Mrs. Claus asked for a single day off in December.

Santa said the whole month runs on her approval.

The North Pole's new zip code confused the mail carrier.

Half the packages still arrive by reindeer anyway.

Why did the eggnog get offered a leadership role?

It already knew how to bring people together.

Our hot cocoa machine broke on Christmas Eve.

We held a moment of silence for the marshmallows.

The wreath on our door keeps falling off its hook.

We've started calling it a decoration with commitment issues.

Why did the icicles refuse to come down from the roof?

They were holding out for a raise in temperature.

Frost covered every window in the house this morning.

The place finally got the privacy it always wanted.

My daughter unwrapped every single gift in four minutes.

The thank-you notes are now expected to take considerably longer.

Why did the white elephant gift exchange end in silence?

Nobody wanted to admit they'd brought it back.

Our office Secret Santa budget was capped at ten dollars.

My gift arrived with a receipt and a quiet apology.

Why did the ugly sweater win first prize at the party?

The judges said it had real depth of character.

Boxing Day arrived and nobody wanted to box anything.

The returns line at the mall disagreed completely.

The Christmas tree farm sold out of trees by noon.

Turns out everybody waits until the very last needle.

Why did the star on top of the tree look so nervous?

It knew the whole display was riding on it.

Our angel ornament fell off the tree twice this week.

She says gravity doesn't take holidays off.

I watered the Christmas tree every day like the box said.

It still dropped needles out of pure principle.

The neighborhood kids started a snowball fight at noon.

By three, the whole block had signed a truce nobody trusts.

Why did the igloo get such good reviews online?

Cool design, and the walls never judge you.

School called a snow day before a single flake landed.

The weather app gets credit for snow it never actually delivered.

Our holiday cookie exchange ran long this year.

Everyone brought the same recipe under a different name.

Why did the gingerbread cookies disappear before the plate reached the table?

Quality control apparently happens the moment they leave the oven.

The last ornament box in the attic took three trips to find.

By the third trip, finding it felt like its own holiday event.

The carolers hit every note except the right ones.

We applauded anyway. It's the thought that counts most.

Why did the church bells ring twice as long this year?

Somebody mentioned it was a big anniversary.

My uncle shakes every present before he'll open it.

He calls it due diligence. We call it suspicious.

The dog unwrapped three presents before anyone noticed this morning.

Apparently nobody ever told him that was against the rules.

Why did my letter to Santa come back marked undeliverable?

Insufficient chimney, according to the note.

Our chimney finally got swept clean this December.

Santa texted to say the commute felt downright smooth.

Why did the ribbon take acting classes over the summer?

It already knew how to tie up loose ends dramatically.

Our family photo for the Christmas card took three hours.

The dog still looked away at exactly the wrong moment.

Holiday travel delayed our flight home by six hours.

We landed in time for dessert and nothing else.

Why did the ice rink get so crowded this week?

Everyone's getting a head start on next month's resolution.

The parade float lost a wheel downtown this morning.

It still finished the route. Pure holiday spirit.

My son's new toy needed forty minutes of assembly.

The instructions were written in a language called optimism.

The tree lot guy worked until midnight on the twenty-third.

He says the last tree always finds its family.

Why did the old tree end up at the curb so fast?

It had given its all for the season and asked for a quiet exit.

My stocking stuffers keep getting smaller every single year.

At this rate, next year's gift fits inside an envelope.

Why did the light-up sweater win the office contest?

It came with its own standing ovation, batteries included.

The gift tags got mixed up under the tree again.

Three people ended up opening presents meant for the dog.

We made pancakes shaped like snowmen for breakfast.

By the second bite, they'd already started melting.

My family argued about ham versus turkey for dinner.

We compromised. Now we're arguing about the side dishes instead.

The yule log played on our television for six straight hours.

It's the only fire in this house that never needs attention.

Why did the music box in the nutcracker display skip a beat?

It wanted a shorter solo this year.

The snow shovel finally came out of the garage.

It had spent eleven months training for one big night.

Our extension cord powered half the lights on the block.

The circuit breaker has filed a formal complaint.

The electric candles in the window flickered out of sync with each other.

Apparently teamwork was never part of the warranty.

My boss handed out holiday bonuses in person this year.

Everyone suddenly remembered how to make eye contact.

The office holiday party ran two hours past schedule.

Nobody wanted to be the first to leave the good snacks.

Why did the string of lights end up in a tangled ball?

The box they live in has never once believed in organization.

Santa's plate of cookies was empty by six in the morning.

The crumbs, however, left a very detailed statement.

We recycled every scrap of wrapping paper this year.

The bin looked more festive than the actual tree.

Why did the reindeer team finally agree on a route?

Someone pointed out the GPS had been right the whole time.

The old vinyl Christmas record skipped on the same line every year.

At this point, we consider it a family tradition.